Once Upon a Time..

I once knew someone who loved the thought of me
but, not enough to keep me.
He loved to show me off,
as if proud of some achievement
Me? a job; started & unfinished.
& then one day, he just walked away
From me & my innocently untainted heart
scarring me forever, this… is where it starts

I once loved someone else who loved me too much
So much that it smothered me
Encasing me without the necessary air, I needed to breathe
I was engulfed in this protection that I didn’t know I needed
He pushed, I pulled
until we finally snapped
Shattering me into a million pieces
& in a perfect world…
I could’ve gotten put back

I now love someone who apparently, God has sent to me
For what reason, I don’t know.
He hurts me, but I trust him
The same way I trusted the man who left me, when I needed him most
The man I love fills this void I kept covered & protected
Years of walls built to keep me safe, breaking down in a matter of seconds
Wounds reopened; slowly sprinkled with the most bittersweet of events
He once was infatuated with the idea of loving me,
Protecting me, genuinely
& like the most unwelcome case of déjà-vu,
Everything turned inside out, shaking things completely
& I somehow evolved into that someone I once knew,
Who loved me to the point of no return
Who’d do anything for the one they loved, even if it killed him
But I don’t know him anymore, I am him
Pushing & pulling; slowly becoming a victim
To a crime I allowed to be committed
& I just can’t fathom envisioning, my life without him
Through war, I’m still imprisoned by a life I knowingly chose
I just can’t understand how to get away from the one person I long for the most
I once understood,
but this man I love, I no longer know

The most dangerous thing you can do in this world is love something too much. That deep, sincerely rooted love that makes you need to do anything to get it and then worse; anything to keep it. It’s become deviant to want love; in today’s society it makes you a sucker. But in this world filled with so much hate and anger, what else do we have

I am far from ashamed to admit, that I am a woman in need of love. I need it to survive because I do not know how to hate; it’s foreign to me… Some would call me weak, and proclaim that they don’t put it on a pedestal, but those who don’t understand what it feels like to love someone unconditionally and to be loved that way in return, wouldn’t.

This doesn’t deter my quest. I know that there are people who don’t think it’s insane to put someone above you. I know that there is someone who understands that having a woman by your side is not suffocating. I believe that the idea of chivalry isn’t dead. I know that when the world no longer knows hate, all that will be left is love.

Love is no danger to us..

Elle.

It was less than a year ago, when God introduced me to the most rewarding blessing I could never have imagined I deserved. Me? A mother? Say it isn't so. But it was. A stick in a box, showed me a faint pink line, that confirmed my future. & with that, my entire world would never be the same. back then she was just a thought, a mere piece of what I imagined would be so beautiful & she was.

She made herself known from the very first day. Made my insides twist & turn every which way they could. Her presence demanded attention, & that's exactly what I gave to her. My whole life was now hers to keep. She stole my heart the very first time I saw her on that ultrasound screen. No bigger than a peanut, she held the greatest piece of my heart. I fell so deep in a love I'd never knew my heart could feel. I almost didn't understand how I could love someone I'd never seen, never touched, never spoken a single word to. & even when she caused me unbearable pain, still, I loved her, even more intensely if possible. The fact that God allowed me to bear this child, gave me some kind of purpose. The kind I'd always searched for. When I couldn't understand why some people couldn't love the way I needed them to love me, this was the answer. He was saving my love, for this little girl. & he knew that one day I'd understand & give her EVERYTHING.

TBC...

Invisible

I became so transparent,
that I almost forgot I was here.
So invisible, even I couldn't see me
I almost didn't care
enough about me to see
How far down in the ground I'd reached
With no one there to lend me a hand
So I stayed there & I reached
& prayed to God that he'd see
Just how much I needed him to help me.
Getting up felt impossible
I'd already gotten comfortable, being underneath
Someone else’s feet
I almost forgot what it looked like...to see me