gray scale.

I hope you don’t mind, but I ask a lot of questions. Like who? What? Where? & what about the rest of them? You see I’m tryna do the right thing, you know stay in the correct direction. So pardon my attitude but you could just be a mere reflection.. of all the brothers in the past, strolling past with no direction.

Crawl.

In complete darkness..
I take a step forward
The initial step toward believing
Believing that my sanity hadn’t disappeared with my trust
& that faith is still alive & well inside my heart.
I stumble
& as I take a look around, everything seems clear to continue
So I take two steps
And as my foot touches the ground, I feel revived.
Each step releasing the grip held on by my pride
& then finally
I walk a straight line…
Hoping and praying that maybe this time, I’d get it right.
It’s like taking a shot in the dark
No light.
Wishing for a specific action
Only that’s not the way things happen
& that next step leaves me staggering
Crashing to the floor
Only I no longer feel the once throbbing pain…
I’m numb
& I realize it comes with the procedure.
So I smile
& even though
I know, it’ll be awhile
I remind myself: I’m still only a child
Reassuring myself that I will learn to walk again
& when I do, I’ll walk miles.

Safe Haven

I’m a woman of very few friends…well friends I can depend on anyway. So with that being said, this is a place I cherish solely because it allows me the freedom to let go. I can vent, scream & cry here whenever I see fit…& no one has to listen. This is my outlet, my shoulder to lean on, & my ear to listen. In so many words…this is for ME.

I sincerely appreciate the visitors, but try not to make this too much about the audience. This is my show. My home; my rules.

I digress..

This year has been pretty forgettable. Aside from the learning experiences that come with everyday life, there’s really nothing memorable I’d like to take with me. As of this moment in my life, I feel as if I’m at a standstill. School for one has put the ultimate hold on my plans, I feel like I’ve wasted so much time & my social life, pfft, what a drag. I’m sure happiness exists, but in what form? I have yet to experience complete & utter satisfaction. It always appears in non-consistent, miniscule spurts that do nothing but tease me & ultimately further frustrate me. Maybe I haven’t gotten to that point or stage in my life where I learn to accept & even appreciate what little gratification I receive or maybe I’ve foolishly been expecting to get back what I’ve given to so many undeserving of me. I don’t know, maybe that’s just not the way life works anymore. It would seem that the humane way to pursue this thing would be to ask for only the things that one can handle and also provide yourself if asked for in return, but should it really need to even be asked? Is it not that simple of a concept to understand?
Idk..but a wise woman once told me that in order to be at ease with yourself you must be in total comfort with yourself & yourself only.
I didn't fully understand at first but upon further explanation, she described to me a feeling that I’ve never felt before; a feeling of complete contentment, not necessarily with a specific situation, but just within herself. I envy that. She told me that even though things don’t always work out as expected, there’s a certain level of comfort that you have with your own life & nothing can take that away.
*sigh*
I need that.
So often I’m covering my eyes, peeking through my fingers, trying to hide my frustration, but I’m aware, everyone can see, but that doesn’t bother me. I’m human & we all feel pain. We all disappoint & we all hurt for whatever reason. I remember a time when I tried to mask my anger; my weaknesses, but the transparency, it overpowers me. I grew into a person who’s not afraid to hurt, someone conscious of the fact that there’s so much more to learn.

But that woman living in total comfort, at ease, I will become her. I promise. I think I’m pretty close, but no cigar. There are still things that I allow under my skin. Things & people I give the power to affect me, but soon…I’ll be there. Mark my words…

Beautiful Nightmare

It's like a dream. You meet someone & something inside you says: I have to have them... You connect immediately & it's like nothing else in the world matters. Everything you learn makes them so much more interesting & unique than the last. Spending every moment together, forgetting all about the past. Enjoying each other’s company; it’s perfect.
But suddenly things change..
Comfort has reached its peak & things just aren’t the same. The lines of communication have become so distant, they’re almost non-existent. The conversation has died.
Frustration.
Deceit.
Lies.
The first sign of trouble makes you reconsider & question all the feelings you had. You begin to wonder if all the things that once gave you butterflies & made you smile were even authentic.
& just when you thought things would be different, you begin the phase of reflection. So many similarities yet everything’s so different. Never knowing the right move to make, you find yourself back in a familiar place & all you know is the same method of madness used in the past.
Distance.
The silence becomes so unbearable that you scream, yell & curse hoping to be heard & still no progress. The fuel from your words ignites the fire between you, only it’s not one of passion but an angry flame that burns each time you mention their name. Faith in something even remotely real extinguishes the desire for revenge only to be disappointed by the reality of it all…
It was all just a dream.
A reoccurring nightmare & you still haven’t woken up..
Open your eyes.

I know why the caged bird sings...

let us laugh instead of crying.
praying for a day that I can just live
as if tomorrow I were dying.
dreams of enjoying life & love
but instead this caged bird can only sing..
with a voice as beautiful as a free white dove.
imprisoned & unheard; I'm cursed
with only the ability to deliver a word
as it falls upon deaf ears...
but still, the sound of my voice will continue to ring
& the taste of my tears...
they remind me of a song that I once used to sing
& the comforting bliss that it always used to bring.

Living for this one simple thing
This...
this is why the caged bird sings.

Bliss.

& I’m right back where I began; confused and unaccompanied. It’s as if this feeling is haunting me. In search of an escape I attempt to find sleep, but I can feel it in my dreams. Distress so powerful I can’t move my mouth to even speak..so I remain silent. Harboring these evil thoughts, imprisoning my tears. Afraid that if I weaken, I’ll be forced to face my deepest fears. I’m scared. Scared to move in fear of falling further down into a hole I created all on my own. Digging deeper with each and every attempt to free these thoughts. I stumble over my own emotions. Right doesn’t exist within the 2-dimensional walls of my heart. Unable to open, I remain shut. So tight that I scream out, for no one in particular. Laying in my bedroom naked of any light. Listening to the sweet sound of the rain. Alone with my reality & the comfort of this pain.

Chemical Imbalance.

"a wise man said "don't argue with fools, because from a distance you can't tell whose who..."

Its been awhile now. & the conversations still the same. I feel like a child right now. frustrated because this could be real simple, yet we're still on the same page. Been sitting in this same spot for a minute now. & we still won't progress. why? because your story; what you say, it lacks finess. it lacks sincerity. it lacks meaning. but most importantly, it lacks what I know is the real you. We're at a standstill because I still don't feel you. I can't know you. the only thing I understand is that you don't fully understand the meaning. what it means to do what you express verbally. sometimes words just aren't enough. do we really need to discuss trust and why it lacks between us? communication is a must. speak to me with your heart. better yet whisper to me your secrets using only your soul. & I'll respond with my mind. Falling in love with your smile. but it speaks for a lie.

I digress.
Our chemistry's imbalanced.
simply because what we preach, we don't practice.
only a foolish man could be faced with something so precious & still not have the wisdom to actually respect it. I can't stress it... I guess everyone learns at their own pace. but I can only hope that when you figure it out, it won't be too late. I already know what I have, & I'm not really tryna lose it. but I can't move at your pace, its confusing. I'm moving, I'm crusing. If you get left behind, I sure hope you know what you're doing.

"I'm loving & I'm living, but I'm living to love." <3

incarcerated.

They just don't understand. or maybe they can't reach me. So I put down my pen & I asked them to teach me. bound up; restricted. unaware of my crime, but I'm already convicted. locking me away in this prison of ignorance. everyone around me knows something different. today was a new day. supposed to be better than yesterday. but as it turns out, we ended up feeling the same way. tried to show you & in return what do I get? treated like I'm beneath you. why? because I learned something useful? what they don't understand, makes me feel incomplete. like its my duty to teach. what they don't know, imprisons us all. when one person trips, we all take the fall. So let us understand, teach us all what you know. when this light turns green, we'll all be ready to go.



"Intelligence is the torch of wisdom"

Fear.

"I am scared.."

you told me not to be afraid.
said that I should trust you
& I could feel safe with you
so I confided in you; let down my guard
welcomed you into that place
inside of my heart... that had been vacant for so long
& it felt so good..
almost too good.
something had to be wrong...
& I knew it
at that moment, nothing felt right
I'd already made the same mistake twice
unbelieving of myself & what was inside
instead I believed in you
told myself that everything you said had to be true
how could it not be?
this was you
but deep down inside, I knew.
something this good, it couldn't be true
my soul, it wants to cry & mourn for my security
but instead I'm letting go
practicing believing in me
the decisions I make may not always seem right
but I've got to stop fearing & put an end to this fight
this fight between myself & I.
tonight I'm giving it all up
now that I've exhaled & cried
I'm waving my white flag & I'm leaving you & these words behind..
all that I can say is... "I tried.."