Safe Haven

I’m a woman of very few friends…well friends I can depend on anyway. So with that being said, this is a place I cherish solely because it allows me the freedom to let go. I can vent, scream & cry here whenever I see fit…& no one has to listen. This is my outlet, my shoulder to lean on, & my ear to listen. In so many words…this is for ME.

I sincerely appreciate the visitors, but try not to make this too much about the audience. This is my show. My home; my rules.

I digress..

This year has been pretty forgettable. Aside from the learning experiences that come with everyday life, there’s really nothing memorable I’d like to take with me. As of this moment in my life, I feel as if I’m at a standstill. School for one has put the ultimate hold on my plans, I feel like I’ve wasted so much time & my social life, pfft, what a drag. I’m sure happiness exists, but in what form? I have yet to experience complete & utter satisfaction. It always appears in non-consistent, miniscule spurts that do nothing but tease me & ultimately further frustrate me. Maybe I haven’t gotten to that point or stage in my life where I learn to accept & even appreciate what little gratification I receive or maybe I’ve foolishly been expecting to get back what I’ve given to so many undeserving of me. I don’t know, maybe that’s just not the way life works anymore. It would seem that the humane way to pursue this thing would be to ask for only the things that one can handle and also provide yourself if asked for in return, but should it really need to even be asked? Is it not that simple of a concept to understand?
Idk..but a wise woman once told me that in order to be at ease with yourself you must be in total comfort with yourself & yourself only.
I didn't fully understand at first but upon further explanation, she described to me a feeling that I’ve never felt before; a feeling of complete contentment, not necessarily with a specific situation, but just within herself. I envy that. She told me that even though things don’t always work out as expected, there’s a certain level of comfort that you have with your own life & nothing can take that away.
*sigh*
I need that.
So often I’m covering my eyes, peeking through my fingers, trying to hide my frustration, but I’m aware, everyone can see, but that doesn’t bother me. I’m human & we all feel pain. We all disappoint & we all hurt for whatever reason. I remember a time when I tried to mask my anger; my weaknesses, but the transparency, it overpowers me. I grew into a person who’s not afraid to hurt, someone conscious of the fact that there’s so much more to learn.

But that woman living in total comfort, at ease, I will become her. I promise. I think I’m pretty close, but no cigar. There are still things that I allow under my skin. Things & people I give the power to affect me, but soon…I’ll be there. Mark my words…