My great grandmother died a single woman
The only grandfather I knew was a man named Artie, who I can only assume was my grandmothers lover
My mother & father divorced when I was 4, ending their marriage & any relationship we may have ever had
My mom dated & raised us simultaneously; mama has to have a life too.
My oldest sister who I've looked up to for about as long as I can remember doesn't believe in marriage or relationships for that matter, but can you blame her?
My second eldest sister has a 4 year old by the same abusive deadbeat who fathered her 6 year old.
My brother is probably the most intelligent & handsome asshole I've ever met. He taught me what to expect from men & even attempted to fill in the blanks left by all these absences but he never quite figured it out for himself.
& then there's me..
Once upon a time, I vowed to break the cycle
Learn about the family structure I never had a model for & understand the sanctity of marriage & why people are so attracted to it
I met a man with all the things I never had..
Two parents, an extraordinarily large family & support system
& although we all have our flaws, his were nonexistent. I couldn't see past the gloss of everything that seemed so perfect.
I fell in love, conversed about marriage, kids....a FAMILY.
No one could ever have convinced me that I could actually be a mother, let alone marry a man...but I was won over. I wanted it all & then some.
I was elated that someone could even consider me as a wife, someone fit for forever... It was world peace on a platter & it consumed me; the idea of breaking the cycle & doing things the right way...ignorance is bliss.

Although my heart holds more resentment than I care to admit for those people who made decisions that changed my life, I could never be angry with anyone anymore than I am angry with myself at times.
My mother literally shoved the idea of independence & self sufficiency down our throats & the minute I see something shiny & new, I abandoned ship. Forgot everything she'd ever taught me & became some naive child looking for some false sense of security that I so badly needed or I thought. I allowed someone to consume me in a way that made me believe I had nothing; was nothing without them.
& of course something so beautiful could never make it to forever. So when it ended, so did the entire world I had by then begun to create in my own head.
I would never blame him, EVER.
Not for that. Accountability is all I could ever hope for from him. I say that to say, if we never take responsibility for the wrong we do, we can never make it right...but that's not my fight.
I promise to never give up immense amount of faith I have in love. No, it hasn't worked out for me yet, but nevertheless, it shines brightly at the end of my road. I believe there is a such thing as happiness and all things leading to it are nothing more than experiences, mostly good & bad to teach us lessons that no class ever could.

So to my past, including but not limited to family, old friends, the girl I used to be & anything or anyone I've ever had any kind of relationship with, I simply say, thank you, for everything. There's not an inkling of belief in my mind that I could have learned any of what I know if I hadn't lived the life I have thus far.

OK

I can't fight what I feel but I can't ignore the facts any longer.
I'm fighting in a battle that I can't win.
I'm at a hopeless disadvantage.
What have I done to deserve any of this, I can only wonder
But closure doesn't come with answers
None of my questions either, only frustration & the anticipation of the future when everything will "be ok"
Whatever that means
Because who wants to be just "ok"
What is it about an ok future that secures people at night
Maybe the thought that things couldn't possibly be any worse than this.