My great grandmother died a single woman
The only grandfather I knew was a man named Artie, who I can only assume was my grandmothers lover
My mother & father divorced when I was 4, ending their marriage & any relationship we may have ever had
My mom dated & raised us simultaneously; mama has to have a life too.
My oldest sister who I've looked up to for about as long as I can remember doesn't believe in marriage or relationships for that matter, but can you blame her?
My second eldest sister has a 4 year old by the same abusive deadbeat who fathered her 6 year old.
My brother is probably the most intelligent & handsome asshole I've ever met. He taught me what to expect from men & even attempted to fill in the blanks left by all these absences but he never quite figured it out for himself.
& then there's me..
Once upon a time, I vowed to break the cycle
Learn about the family structure I never had a model for & understand the sanctity of marriage & why people are so attracted to it
I met a man with all the things I never had..
Two parents, an extraordinarily large family & support system
& although we all have our flaws, his were nonexistent. I couldn't see past the gloss of everything that seemed so perfect.
I fell in love, conversed about marriage, kids....a FAMILY.
No one could ever have convinced me that I could actually be a mother, let alone marry a man...but I was won over. I wanted it all & then some.
I was elated that someone could even consider me as a wife, someone fit for forever... It was world peace on a platter & it consumed me; the idea of breaking the cycle & doing things the right way...ignorance is bliss.

Although my heart holds more resentment than I care to admit for those people who made decisions that changed my life, I could never be angry with anyone anymore than I am angry with myself at times.
My mother literally shoved the idea of independence & self sufficiency down our throats & the minute I see something shiny & new, I abandoned ship. Forgot everything she'd ever taught me & became some naive child looking for some false sense of security that I so badly needed or I thought. I allowed someone to consume me in a way that made me believe I had nothing; was nothing without them.
& of course something so beautiful could never make it to forever. So when it ended, so did the entire world I had by then begun to create in my own head.
I would never blame him, EVER.
Not for that. Accountability is all I could ever hope for from him. I say that to say, if we never take responsibility for the wrong we do, we can never make it right...but that's not my fight.
I promise to never give up immense amount of faith I have in love. No, it hasn't worked out for me yet, but nevertheless, it shines brightly at the end of my road. I believe there is a such thing as happiness and all things leading to it are nothing more than experiences, mostly good & bad to teach us lessons that no class ever could.

So to my past, including but not limited to family, old friends, the girl I used to be & anything or anyone I've ever had any kind of relationship with, I simply say, thank you, for everything. There's not an inkling of belief in my mind that I could have learned any of what I know if I hadn't lived the life I have thus far.