Can anybody hear me?

It’s like I don’t even exist, or at least that’s how I feel

Can anybody hear me? Do they know that I’m here?

Probably not, I’m fully dressed & I usually don’t make a lot of noise

Which doesn’t really resonate well with any of the boys

The girls are all fighting each other for the spotlight

Too consumed in their own attempts to be Ms right.

I stayed in my own lane to avoid those troubles,

But somehow trouble found me.. life’s troubles I mean.

I was taught, very few could be trusted

So I boxed myself into a corner, where I felt protected

Until it got cold & lonely; suffocated by my shelter

No one can see in me here, they can't hear my cries

But I’m here & I promise I’m alive.

Can you hear me?

My great grandmother died a single woman
The only grandfather I knew was a man named Artie, who I can only assume was my grandmothers lover
My mother & father divorced when I was 4, ending their marriage & any relationship we may have ever had
My mom dated & raised us simultaneously; mama has to have a life too.
My oldest sister who I've looked up to for about as long as I can remember doesn't believe in marriage or relationships for that matter, but can you blame her?
My second eldest sister has a 4 year old by the same abusive deadbeat who fathered her 6 year old.
My brother is probably the most intelligent & handsome asshole I've ever met. He taught me what to expect from men & even attempted to fill in the blanks left by all these absences but he never quite figured it out for himself.
& then there's me..
Once upon a time, I vowed to break the cycle
Learn about the family structure I never had a model for & understand the sanctity of marriage & why people are so attracted to it
I met a man with all the things I never had..
Two parents, an extraordinarily large family & support system
& although we all have our flaws, his were nonexistent. I couldn't see past the gloss of everything that seemed so perfect.
I fell in love, conversed about marriage, kids....a FAMILY.
No one could ever have convinced me that I could actually be a mother, let alone marry a man...but I was won over. I wanted it all & then some.
I was elated that someone could even consider me as a wife, someone fit for forever... It was world peace on a platter & it consumed me; the idea of breaking the cycle & doing things the right way...ignorance is bliss.

Although my heart holds more resentment than I care to admit for those people who made decisions that changed my life, I could never be angry with anyone anymore than I am angry with myself at times.
My mother literally shoved the idea of independence & self sufficiency down our throats & the minute I see something shiny & new, I abandoned ship. Forgot everything she'd ever taught me & became some naive child looking for some false sense of security that I so badly needed or I thought. I allowed someone to consume me in a way that made me believe I had nothing; was nothing without them.
& of course something so beautiful could never make it to forever. So when it ended, so did the entire world I had by then begun to create in my own head.
I would never blame him, EVER.
Not for that. Accountability is all I could ever hope for from him. I say that to say, if we never take responsibility for the wrong we do, we can never make it right...but that's not my fight.
I promise to never give up immense amount of faith I have in love. No, it hasn't worked out for me yet, but nevertheless, it shines brightly at the end of my road. I believe there is a such thing as happiness and all things leading to it are nothing more than experiences, mostly good & bad to teach us lessons that no class ever could.

So to my past, including but not limited to family, old friends, the girl I used to be & anything or anyone I've ever had any kind of relationship with, I simply say, thank you, for everything. There's not an inkling of belief in my mind that I could have learned any of what I know if I hadn't lived the life I have thus far.

OK

I can't fight what I feel but I can't ignore the facts any longer.
I'm fighting in a battle that I can't win.
I'm at a hopeless disadvantage.
What have I done to deserve any of this, I can only wonder
But closure doesn't come with answers
None of my questions either, only frustration & the anticipation of the future when everything will "be ok"
Whatever that means
Because who wants to be just "ok"
What is it about an ok future that secures people at night
Maybe the thought that things couldn't possibly be any worse than this.

Gone Too Soon

It never ceases to amaze me when people have these "epiphanies" after losing someone, seeing someone get hurt, or worse, experiencing death. I understand the idea that death or any kind of loss makes us appreciate life, but it also helps me understand just how transparent we are as a human race. When things are going good and we're living our "blessed & highly favored" lives, no one thinks to praise God for the little things that keep our lives together. We receive monetary gifts & let those people control us mentally, yet we never take a minute to be thankful for the people who give us priceless kind words and encouragement, each and every day. We get invited to social events that we spend hundreds of dollars to improve our image for, yet we never spend a single moment saying thank you to those who spend countless hours trying to improve us on the inside every day, for free. The number of Facebook, Twitter & Instagram posts I see with the same "gone too soon" message is astonishing. This person who God so suddenly snatched away from us was such an inspiration in our lives that we never took the time to acknowledge them this way, until they were gone. How ironic is it that we don't know the full extent of how much a person means to us until they're gone? How shallow are we to overlook the one person who gives us life everyday, until that person finally decides to leave us? I don't have enough fingers to count the people I've encouraged, loved, & been selflessly devoted to, who have taken me for granted & then realized how much I meant to them, only after they no longer had me in their corners. It's a vicious cycle; we have some of God's greatest blessings right in front of our faces, yet we never take the time to see them. Our most valuable gifts in the form of companions, lying next to us every night in our bedrooms, yet we let them walk away without a fight. The most influential pieces of our lives walking with us, each & every day yet we never even notice until God finally takes them away...
When will we finally learn to appreciate the little things before they're taken away?

I want to hug my child, even when she's outgrown her cute & cuddliness.
When she's grown enough to think she's grown, that's when she'll need my love the most
We weren't that kind of family, my siblings & I.
We never said I love you, just because. We always had each others backs, but in silence.
We appreciated, we cared, we loved; all without words.
Without hugs & affection…
My mouth would never let me admit how much my soul needed that attention.
A big girl now, filled with awkward tension.
Angry at the world for whatever it was that I've missed.
The most succulent dimpled cheeks that have never been kissed,
gently with security of knowing you are loved.
So when I say I need you, know that there's truth somewhere inside of a lie.
I need the idea of having you, not you.
I need the comfort that your company brings, but no, not you.
I need the affection & protection of a dysfunctional relationship with you
But I don't need you.

until proven guilty.

Most nights I can't even stomach the pain..
comforted only by tears that belong to me
my heart feels whatever it is that my eyes refuse to see
The ultimate disappointment
a numbness; emptiness even
bandaged by the ability to place blame & ease grieving
but I confess
even victims can be deceiving
& so I plead guilty to the detriment of my own character
the failure to provide oneness with the only one I ever needed
Just take me away
because for these heartless crimes someone must pay
I allowed this
maybe I even helped
I might as well have held the smoking gun myself...