Writer's block

while my creativity subsides
my mind is clear
I can only think of nothing
as i search for words to appear

I am eager to follow the rules of procrastination
so I easily succumb to this temptation
as I drift off somewhere far within my imagination
my mind roams to places...
where everything is lucid
& I have nothing to prove
My faithful lyrics somehow escape me
as I am misguided
far away from the comfortable place my words usually lie in
somewhere foreign,
oblivious to my task
which is currently unappealing

There's an uncontrollable force
blocking my thoughts

frustration occurs as my objective has been ruined
I try to imagine a time when poetry was once fluent
I continuously repeat to myself: Just do it
But this writer's block won't allow it
I just can't do it...

untitled. 11.7.09

this feeling can't get much worse and
love is sicker than this verse
and even being a strong person
shit still got me hurtin
the pain I felt was burning
took your love; I was deserted
my mind's feeling like it's bursting
but my heart keeps on yearning
missing you; my stomachs turning
got me wondering if she's earning
the chance to even serve in
this battle that I served in
so I fall onto my knees and ask God:
is this what I deserve?
and
although I'm steadily descerning
taking pride in what's preserved in
all these lessons I've been learning
still I run my fingers across these battle scars
Healed... but I'm still hurting.

Half Empty

What's in my cup?
is it filled with love
sunshine and beautiful songs?
or is it almost empty
its contents sucked away by the sponge of regret
pain. tears. and sorrow
it may seem far away
but there will be a better day tomorrow
and although I wish sometimes that I could borrow
someone else's joy..
the happiness of those who want for nothing
and never endure the same pain
still my cup is never empty
no. it is almost filled
full from my beautiful tears that tell stories
so cry no more my friend
in the morning there will be the most wonderful glory
**For Sherrie

Black and Ugly.

check out www.blackandugly.com

...it's a really great blog
much respect to @riffy (follow)

Her-story

Take me to the top of the stairs
And let me tell you her story
I promise you it won’t be one of good times and glory
Descriptions of urine infested hallways
And broken down elevators
Staircases made into public residences; no lease required
Trying to find shelter
Man my people are tired
Take me to the top of the hill
And to you, I’ll spill my guts
Detailed narratives of all my mistakes
Illegal sessions in which I chose to partake
Poor choices. Peer pressure
But I’m in control; gas and brake
Controlling my own pace
Let me show you the road I chose to take
Follow me to the top of this mountain
Ingest the beauty of nature
Like a never ending fountain
And even if only for a moment
We’ll erase all our pain
And pretend we have no worries.

Who's me?

Flimsy jeans w/ holes at the knee
chuck taylors and a wrinkled white tee
a human being so undefined
who in the world could this be?
everybody's wondering
but no one can see
this little dread head girl
yea..
that's me
she's wherever she wants to be
walking down the streets
head's in the clouds
filled w/humility
never too proud
take a look a little deeper
and maybe you'll see
just what it means
to say "I'm me"
design my own rules
walk hard in my shoes
making it impossible for you
to do what I do
do.. do.. do.. do...
lol WRITER'S BLOCK!

ADDICTED.

What's bad feels so good
my body screams when it needs you
you set me on fire
and these flames burn so good
juices flowing
dripping wet
extinguishing this fire with passion
but don't put me out yet
make this thing last
I'm addicted to you
let my frame soak in your hands
this body knows no better pleasure
hold my body
don't let go
enjoy my flavor
lick my temple; head to toe
taste it. savor it.
treat it like you created it
feel this pleasure inside of me
while I wrap myself around you
sweating. screaming.
my body's shaking
responding to the way you move
you know just what I need you to do
it's like you know my body better than I
damn..
can we please just go one more time?

Sweet Sixteen.

One night of passion
between two unconcerned lovers
leads to this one uncomfortable situation
where this one particular statement
needed to be stated.
"Mom I'm pregnant"
"good gracious"
"and granted I'm young
but surely I'm not dumb
and this guy...
I swear, I just swear he's the one"
"How far along?"
"3 months
You may think that's too late
but his heart I can't break
and yes I've considered abortion
but to me that's like extortion
a crime.
to imagine my baby dying
on account of me... and my lover
but it only happened just one time
and no Mom I don't regret it
but now that I've finally said it
I have only one wish
and it's that you won't be judgemental
These circumstances are incredible
and I want this to be memorable
but the look on your face
tells me your thoughts may be dreadful"
"you're not ready"
"but mom...
we're going steady..."

HEARTLESS.

You scarred me.
No.
You ripped my heart right out of my chest.
Bruised my soul
Left my body somewhere out in the cold.
And now you’ve changed?
Now that I’m heartless…you need love?
Please tell me what did you think would still remain?
My love
Anger and frustration
Constant nights of anticipation
For what I wished would never have to come
Well these events have made me numb
You forced this feeling of resentment
I believed in you
Believed in the idea of unconditional love
It wasn’t clear until now
The ‘I love you’s’
And ‘I need you’s’
All mean nothing
Love overpowers all and you left me powerless
You needed me like a heartbeat?
Yet you left me when I needed you the most
This love is just a gift and a curse
I guess things could be worse
But this empty space
Really
It still hurts.

Road less traveled

When there’s a fork in the road I choose
The best path for me, not you
Win or lose
There’s no turning back
When I was a child
I thought as children do
Years have past
My destiny, I grasp
The curves and the straights
Narrow and wide
No path is the same
And my path shall always remain
The road less traveled.

Dramatic Monologue

A dramatic monologue is basically a spoken verse directed to one’s self or another who can not respond (ie. someone who has passed, God, etc..)

This monologue is to someone sleeping:

I wake up beside you
& all I can do is stare
the break-ups. arguments. fights.
it all seems so miniscule
as I stare into your sleeping eyes
everything becomes crystal clear
I love you
I trust you
believe in everything that you do.
Who knew
that it would come to a day like this
when my one and only wish would come true
I submit to you
because you are a king
in every sense of every thing
so yes. I do wear this ring
& keep you in my heart
because no matter what,
no matter how far apart
my love for you will shine
even in the darkest dark

Love Sonnet

(…An assignment for school)
Without you, there is no me
loving you is pure ecstasy
Believe me, I know no better pleasure
Than the satisfaction of you
My perception was once blurred
Due to a certain lack of you
My sun doesn’t rise
Unless it sets upon you and I
The thought of living without us
Brings a tear to my eye
Because of you, I am whole
It is my heart you stole
And in return
have given the greatest sensation

Go and hug your "Michael" by Maya Angelou.

Yesterday I cried watching the Michael Jackson memorial. I cried for a littleBlack boy who felt the world didn’t understand him.

I cried for a little black who spent his adulthood chasing his childhood.And I thought about all the young black boys out there who may feelthat the world doesn’t understand them.

The ones who feel that the world does not understand their baggy jeans,their swagger, their music, their anger, their struggles, their fears or thechip on their shoulder.
I worry that my son, may too, one day feel lonely in a wide, wide world.

I cried for young children of all colors who may live their life feelinglike a misfit, feeling like no one understands their perspective, or theirsoul. What a burden to carry.
As a mother, I cried for Katherine Jackson because no mother shouldever bury a child. Period. And I think about all the pain, tears andsleepless nights that she must have endured seeing her baby boy ininner pain, seeing him struggle with his self- esteem, and his insecuritiesand to know that he often felt unloved. Even while the world loved him deeply.
How does it feel to think that the unconditional love we give as mothers just isn’t enough to make our children feel whole?I wonder if she still suffers thinking, “What more could I have done?”Even Moms of music legends aren’t immune to Mommy guilt, I suppose.

When Rev. Al Sharpton (who always delivers one “Awesome” funeralspeech), said to Michael’s children “ Your Daddy was not Strange … .It was strange what your daddy had to deal with” I thought of all of thestrange things of the world that my children would have to deal with.Better yet, the things I hope they won’t ever have to deal with anymore.

And as a mother raising a young black boy, I feel recommitted and yet alittle confused as to how to make sure my son is sure enough withinhimself to take on the world. Especially a “strange” one. To love himselfenough to know that even when the world doesn’t understand you, triesto force you into it’s mold or treats you unkindly, you are still beautiful,strong, and Black. How do I do that?

Today, I’m taking back “childhood” as an inalienable right for every brownlittle one. In a world that makes children into “booty-Shakin”, mini- adultslong before their time, I’m reclaiming the playful, the innocent, run-aroundoutside, childhood as the key ingredient in raising confident adults.Second, I will not rest until my little black boy, My Michael, knows that hisbroad nose is beautiful, his chocolately brown skin is beautiful, and his thickhair is beautiful.
And nothing or no one can take that away from him.

Now, ain’t we Bad, ain’t we Black, and ain’t we Beautiful!
Maya Angelou

Painted faces

Let’s all paint our faces
Right before we say our graces
And pray to the god who gave us today. And
Even though he always makes a way
We’re still not happy with ourselves

Let’s all paint our faces
And be who we want to be
Children have no guidance
When their mother’s only sixteen
How could we be good mothers
& still want to be prom queen?

Ladies rock the Remy or unwrap your doobie
But whatever you do choose
You’ll make sure that you do be a groupie.
To a society
In a world where we aspire to be
Just like all the women in magazines with the flyest weave

Men continue to be boys
Only they no longer play with toys
We continue to grow down
Instead of growing up
And I can only wonder, how long will we be stuck?
So let’s all paint our faces
And become the new face of..

Whatever pop culture says is acceptable
Rappers. Models.
No more fruits and vegetables.
Just suck on this sweet candy of what is well known regrettable.
A life of ‘success’ is no longer edible
In my opinion
If u ain’t currently winning.
Let’s just leave it to society, they’ll show us a new beginning.

An endless pursuit.

One search that is not a search in the sense that it needs your work
Is this unattainable quest for something so perfect.
As people we yearn to feel worshipped
A feeling so deserted
Because it cannot exist on this earth’s surface &
Not only is it intangible
But this state of comfortable being, takes stamina
Not even for the faint of heart
But you must be an animal.
Impossible to find
You see it’s only a state of mind
The more you try to feel it, the faster you’ll go blind…to the truth about love.

So many start to look so soon
But never seem to become in tune…with the rhythm of this feeling called love.
It is beyond our reach; unachievable, when pursued
Love does not like to be followed
just allow your heart to remain hollow, until it is your turn..&although you’re heart yearns
it will soon be your turn
to feel that sensation
the most blissful burn
and that’s when you’ll finally learn…
Love is not a privilege
something so precious can only be earned.

No wifin' in the club(give me $20).

Can I ever go to club and not get harrassed by some fool who came to the club looking for love? Apparently not. smh.
Every single time I get dressed to simply go out & party I run into the same kind of dude. The one who seems to think he knows me from somewhere & if not he'd like to(death to that damn line). This guy buys me a drink & then proceeds to follow me around the club ALL night. I give him one pity dance, which in his language means I want to be his new boo-thing. ugh!
Just leave me alone! especially after I accidentally spill my drink on you twice.
Ladies...
Beware of guys like this. Not only will they follow you & your girls around the entire club, but they will wait on the sideline while you dance with someone else. This guy owes everyone in the club $20...
Clearly this guy doesn't get nearly as much intercourse as needed.
My advice to you: Step ya dick up..

P.D.A.(Public Diplays of Anger)

So everybody knows men are extra sensitive when it comes to falling in love and all that mushy stuff...It's been said that it's alot harder for men to fall in love than women and when they do fall they fall hard. So with that being said, it would be assumed that the male pride is very fragile when dealing with the 'love' issue.
Although men expect a little more slack when it comes to giving up their hearts and such, does that give you guys reason to act a damn fool when your precious hearts get broken??
No. It's bad enough that some men will make a woman jump through hoops just to get him to say "I Love you", does the love have to be like walking on egg shells? I mean it's like you have to make sure you don't do anything to upset him or hurt his precious ego, come on it's disqusting the way you guys get. It's like dealing with children, excusing certain behavior because they don't know any better.
I digress...
What brings me to this annoying subject is that I was on the internet today and I saw a guy post a status, basically taking shots at his ex(indirectly). Not only was it childish but it was embarassing. I'm assuming that when he posted the status he believed that it would be entertaining and that it would somehow make his ex-girl feel belittled.. smh. silly little boys. When you do this, it only shows how much you still care and it also confirms the fact that you do indeed still think about her. It doesn't change that everybody knows that you're hurting, especially when you post the status for a bunch of people who knew how much you loved and respected her. Okay we get it, you're angry, fine. That's normal, but you getting all huffy about it and posting ignorant shit on the internet doesn't change the fact that at the end of the day, ya still gotta get over the shit.

Jaded Images.

There once was a time when all I could do was replay painful memories… &just cry.
But as I sit &reflect on those who have hurt me, I find it difficult to remember most detail
&now that I find myself back at this familiar place, I find only comfort in the idea that one day soon this will be just another jaded memory like all the rest.
An image to add to a collage of disappointment
One step closer in my journey of self-fulfillment
I envision myself possessive of limitless confidence &the strength to do anything.
Never breaking hearts but only barriers with my thoughts.
I aim to satisfy no one man who cannot fully understand what it means to satisfy me…a Queen
Royalty in every sense of a woman but none of material needs.
He will be my king &his throne will stay firm. He will be genuine & I empathetic in return.
Someday I will sacrifice my womb, but only for a man
A man who fully understands that our opinions may not always be the same
One who chooses not to remain oblivious of his match but will make sacrifices to keep something so precious in tact
Respect & honesty will be his foundation & he would be one of god’s most beautiful creations.
I will not pursue a search of such a man, but I do indeed pray
That the day that I do find him..
He’ll never fade away.

Can love ever be perfect?

I once thought so..
I've been "in love" a few times but I don't think I know what real love feels like, or if such a thing even exists. Honestly, 90% of the adult human population believes that they have been in love at some point in their lives, but if real or true love so to speak, is so hard to find, how do we so frequently find ourselves in it?
I just imagine real love to be something that can't be determined at first sight or at some cheesy ball. I envision real love to feel like no other imitation of love that we as people create in our minds. It would cause a person to trust that love so much that there would never be any question of infidelity. It would allow a person with so many insecurities to feel confident without condition.
A perfect love would have to be so powerful that even you couldn't control it, right?

Parental Discretion is Advised.

The title of this blog is: The only place where "I" can be "I"..
I is me and this is my shit, subscribe and tune in at your own risk. This ain't facebook or myspace and this ain't for the faint of heart. This is what I feel and best believe this will come out real. As real as it gets on this side anyway.
When I blog, I refer to whatever is on my conscience at that specific point & time. The emotion and meaning will bleed through my words and if you have a heart and/or a mind you will process it just the way it reads. There's no reading in between the lines here, if you're looking for something; you will find it. I hide things inside my poetry and I'm fortunate enough to have the skill to do that well. I've written poetry about people and they have no idea. It's like poetry is one big metaphor. I can say anything and make it mean whatever I want it to & when you read it, it will mean exactly that.
But seriously this is my place to vent, raw & uncensored. So those of you who know me, understand that I am deeply passionate about my feelings and even more about my writing. I'm not sensitive but I do get offended when people criticize my shit and it ain't constructive. So again I say This is MY shit, if you read the first one and didn't like it chances are, you shouldn't read the second. The only thing that will change is the subject, nothing more, nothing less.
This is me.
Good day & Good night.

Hi hater!

I’m baffled.
Whatever happened to giving credit where credit is due? There’s some sort of epidemic in this day &age where hating is a must, especially within the female community.

For as long as I can remember I’ve never been the most ‘liked’ female, I was hated on to say the least. Now while I know I wasn’t liked, I sure as hell was admired. Even in High School, I had associates, but I never messed with girls like that. I always hung around the boys, not that I was fast or anything. I just liked kicking it with the guys and of course the girls weren’t very fond of me for this exact reason. But I honestly believe they hated me for a different reason: the fact that I didn’t care…

You see misery loves company and boy were these bitches miserable. I was always cute, classy and most importantly; gifted. I never cared about being alone as far as being accepted by the ‘cool kids’. I didn’t need a crew, hell the most popular crew was too busy watching me.
You see I moved alone and never needed a bunch of girls to stand behind me to look good. I just smiled at the boys and made the girls mad.
Even now in college, I don’t have too many female numbers in my phone. I stay in a female dorm; hardly ever there. Weak females bring too much drama and as previously stated girls just can’t be women and give me my damn credit! Now don’t get it twisted, approval is not at all required, but maybe I would acknowledge you bitches if you just simply admitted that you look up to me. You read what I write and wish you could think of some shit half as clever. You’re looking over your shoulder when your dude says hi to me to see if he’s watching me walk away, which most likely he is because the ass has gotten fatter ;)
But enough playing, back to what I was saying. These broads need to grow up and quit being so damn sour, it doesn’t look good on you to hate me or any other bad bitch for that matter.
Step ya game up, and maybe you'll get a thank you card…

May I borrow some sugar?

First and foremost,
Shout outs to Dre, who has been my friend faithfully for YEARS now and has put up with my heartbroken stories and every single one of my "niggas ain't shit" phases. I appreciate you greatly for staying up until the wee hours of the morning and for providing me with some of the greatest conversation and advice..."You the fucking best.." :)

That brings me to what's been on my mind for the past few days. I can't help but wonder, how I never ended up with a guy like that. Someone who actually understands all the mistakes I make yet still, doesn't think it's necessary to treat me like shit. idk. but thats not what this is about. Today I had an epiphany.. or something like it. I wouldn't even classify my last situation as heartbreak. although my heart was indeed broken.. i chalk it up as a simple mistake. I went against the very thing that makes some women different from men..my intuition. Some call it a conscience, but that very thing, whatever we call it..told me something & I ignored it. To some that may seem small but to me it was one of the biggest mistakes I could've made as a woman. I stopped believing in myself at that point. I basically told myself that I was going to let something like love alllow me to lose faith in my own intuition. Big mistake.
But let's not dwell on that portion.. long story short I made a mistake and paid for it. and now I look back in a healthy sorta way and I think: never again. People wear so many different costumes, some better than others. I've come into contact with people whose costumes were as transparent as their shallow personalities, but recently I dealt with someone who had the most concealing costume of them all; fooled the hell outta me.. Now I’m not gonna start with all that bitter, he wasn’t shit kinda talk, but I will say: he got me, lol yea he got me good. But the worst part is that even after I found out, I still wanted to be with him. What part of the game is that? He showed me who he was, and I still loved him..see now shit like that gets me to thinking wtf is wrong with me? Have I lowered my standards that deep to the point where I don’t know good from bad? Have I gotten to the point where I just say fuck it, I came this far, there’s no turning back now? I was trippin, with no luggage. I had to get myself together. So I played the game a little longer, and made him think he still had a chance and then cut him off cold turkey. Like a fucking addiction, that’s exactly what it felt like. I mean it just wasn’t worth it, going back and forth between us and myself. Man at the end of the day fuck that, I’m more important and I'd cheated myself enough already. God knows I still love the guy, more than anything in this world, but damn that. Nothing is worth lowering yourself to force something fake to look or even feel real. I cried real tears and I sure as hell have real feelings and I won’t waste them on something plastic.
So there’s that..:::sigh:::
All this thought about love &all that other bullshit, I almost forgot what it feels like to actually meet somebody new. You know that ‘new’ feeling you get when you meet someone and realize you’re attracted to them.? Lol, what a great feeling…being shacked up all this time has made me forget that I’m at an age where I should be mingling..and oh how I yearn for some masculine company. It just feels good to be in the presence of a real man. One who walks and talks and even smells like a man. I’m even starting to miss my guy friends back at school. Just being able to call one and talk shit about the weak dudes I deal with and then laugh about how “I sure know how to pick em” LOL..
The other day my mom, two sisters and I were sipping on some wine and playing spades and these guys who just moved in next door came and knocked on the door.. so it’s these three guys asking if we know what’s to do in this area? She tells them the name of a few clubs and they say thanks and go back home. So I guess they must’ve decided she was kinda cute I wonder what the others look like(LOL) they knock again and they’re like well do you guys wanna hang out with us? So we’re like maybe next time..
So now me & my sisters are extremely bored and we’re like hey let’s go see about those guys next door and I guess they must’ve been out at one of those clubs big sis suggested because we got no answer. Womp. Lol.. but hey I’ve got nothing else to do while I’m here and seeing as how I know NO ONE in the area I may just stop by and say hello tomorrow, maybe even borrow some sugar ;)

Outcast.

So apparently when you leave a bad situation to better yourself, and come back; you're 'brand new'.... wait a minute..let me rewind.

I moved out of the projects in Brooklyn NY my senior year of high school, into a nice home in Charlotte NC(against my own will if I might add). I always went back to visit my old friends from time to time during vacations. I did that consistently until my sophomore year of college when I pledged. I think I went almost a year without visiting, dammit I was busy.!
so anyway I finally come back and of course I'm too pressed to be a delta and I was most certainly sporting all of my nalia. so one of my best friends though it might be funny to joke about it, since she obviously had no clear understanding of what it was and what it meant. So before getting upset, I say to myself: "just educate this girl before you get offended and let her know just how ignorant she really is" ... so I tried. i tried to explain to her that we don't just have beef with the AKA's, no we don't just step and no it is not a legal gang. Upon me wasting 10 minutes of my precious time trying to drop knowledge on my poor friend, she continues to disrespect my sorority. I use what humility I was taught and continue to ignore her. How big of me right? lol yea..
so just recently, maybe a week or two ago, I was back in my old hood caught in the same kind of situation. Sorry I can't help it if I don't take interest in ignorant shit like who's pregnant by who now and who my ex boyfriend is fucking these days. idk maybe I have better things to think about. So all of a sudden, some ass decided to tell me, I've changed. I went to college and now everything is college this and college that. Well excuse the fuck out of me. pardon me for trying to encourage people that I care about to do something other than be hood niggas and hoodrats ALL their life. excuse me for simply explaining that you don't have to have a 4.0 coming out of High school to make it out the hood. excuse me for being educated.
That had to be the most ridiculous shit i'd ever heard. but it is clear to me that 'hood' people are just that. they don't know anything other than the hood and if they do, they don't wanna know. they blame everyone for their current situation and that's just bullshit. I grew up in the projects, on the same low income as the people i grew up with. but thats not where I wanted to end my life. even if moms wouldve stayed in Brooklyn, I wouldve been out after graduation. But everybody else wants to get pregnant their senior year of high and never finish or get a g.e.d and sit up in their moms house in the projects for all eternity...not me. I've got bigger plans. But i'll keep coming back to visit, yup. I'll keep coming back until I finally see that there's just absolutely nothing more I can do to help my hood bitches....

"I made it out the hood now.."

Virginity. =0

So I'm kinda sorta new to this whole blog spot thing. seeing as how the only spot I've ever blogged before was on my own laptop, idk how comforting the idea of sharing my thoughts with the world(or whatever portion of it logs on to this website) will be. so i'll just do what I do best..

so im surfing bossip.com and up comes this extra homosexual video of spectacular(the most flaming member of pretty ricky) pelvic thrusting in what seems to be a pair of pink boy shorts. now I can't speak for all women, but i will take it upon myself to speak for the ones with some class: Nothing about a boney ass, countrified, big tooth man grinding his ass and hips in some pink underwear is sexy. maybe im wrong, idk. but i personally would never deal with a guy who could slow wine better than i can. there's just something wrong with that.

anywho.
where are all the good looking men(with no girlfriends) in the Carolinas?. Now i know better than to look for any in the raleigh area of NC but damn, are there none in the whole 2 states? smh, this shit is ridiculous. recession much! The few niggas wit jobs must be hiding out or shacked up some damn where. This drought is getting serious...
lol no but seriously. the good looking men are either dumb as hell or broke as hell; either way I'm not interested. and whats with the cute guys not packing? is there some unwritten rule that says you either get looks or a big dick...? wait an average sized dick. sheesh, it's like all the ugly dudes are walking around with 8 inches and better. ladies i guess it's time to start prioritizing huh? lol
hey hey.. don't judge me.. i'm just keeping it funky. a woman can only stay with a small brother for so long, unless she doesn't know any better...