May I borrow some sugar?

First and foremost,
Shout outs to Dre, who has been my friend faithfully for YEARS now and has put up with my heartbroken stories and every single one of my "niggas ain't shit" phases. I appreciate you greatly for staying up until the wee hours of the morning and for providing me with some of the greatest conversation and advice..."You the fucking best.." :)

That brings me to what's been on my mind for the past few days. I can't help but wonder, how I never ended up with a guy like that. Someone who actually understands all the mistakes I make yet still, doesn't think it's necessary to treat me like shit. idk. but thats not what this is about. Today I had an epiphany.. or something like it. I wouldn't even classify my last situation as heartbreak. although my heart was indeed broken.. i chalk it up as a simple mistake. I went against the very thing that makes some women different from men..my intuition. Some call it a conscience, but that very thing, whatever we call it..told me something & I ignored it. To some that may seem small but to me it was one of the biggest mistakes I could've made as a woman. I stopped believing in myself at that point. I basically told myself that I was going to let something like love alllow me to lose faith in my own intuition. Big mistake.
But let's not dwell on that portion.. long story short I made a mistake and paid for it. and now I look back in a healthy sorta way and I think: never again. People wear so many different costumes, some better than others. I've come into contact with people whose costumes were as transparent as their shallow personalities, but recently I dealt with someone who had the most concealing costume of them all; fooled the hell outta me.. Now I’m not gonna start with all that bitter, he wasn’t shit kinda talk, but I will say: he got me, lol yea he got me good. But the worst part is that even after I found out, I still wanted to be with him. What part of the game is that? He showed me who he was, and I still loved him..see now shit like that gets me to thinking wtf is wrong with me? Have I lowered my standards that deep to the point where I don’t know good from bad? Have I gotten to the point where I just say fuck it, I came this far, there’s no turning back now? I was trippin, with no luggage. I had to get myself together. So I played the game a little longer, and made him think he still had a chance and then cut him off cold turkey. Like a fucking addiction, that’s exactly what it felt like. I mean it just wasn’t worth it, going back and forth between us and myself. Man at the end of the day fuck that, I’m more important and I'd cheated myself enough already. God knows I still love the guy, more than anything in this world, but damn that. Nothing is worth lowering yourself to force something fake to look or even feel real. I cried real tears and I sure as hell have real feelings and I won’t waste them on something plastic.
So there’s that..:::sigh:::
All this thought about love &all that other bullshit, I almost forgot what it feels like to actually meet somebody new. You know that ‘new’ feeling you get when you meet someone and realize you’re attracted to them.? Lol, what a great feeling…being shacked up all this time has made me forget that I’m at an age where I should be mingling..and oh how I yearn for some masculine company. It just feels good to be in the presence of a real man. One who walks and talks and even smells like a man. I’m even starting to miss my guy friends back at school. Just being able to call one and talk shit about the weak dudes I deal with and then laugh about how “I sure know how to pick em” LOL..
The other day my mom, two sisters and I were sipping on some wine and playing spades and these guys who just moved in next door came and knocked on the door.. so it’s these three guys asking if we know what’s to do in this area? She tells them the name of a few clubs and they say thanks and go back home. So I guess they must’ve decided she was kinda cute I wonder what the others look like(LOL) they knock again and they’re like well do you guys wanna hang out with us? So we’re like maybe next time..
So now me & my sisters are extremely bored and we’re like hey let’s go see about those guys next door and I guess they must’ve been out at one of those clubs big sis suggested because we got no answer. Womp. Lol.. but hey I’ve got nothing else to do while I’m here and seeing as how I know NO ONE in the area I may just stop by and say hello tomorrow, maybe even borrow some sugar ;)