me.

have you ever felt like you overwhelmed someone, just by being YOU? it is almost like being who you are is a bit too much for them. & then there's that conflict between who you are & who you seek acceptance from. to change, or not to change? & that's just the first question. next comes that struggle to find the most distant answers; "will this drastic change benefit me....or you?" but in the end, really it all balls down to your own perception of yourself, appreciation, & that comfort zone that enables your self esteem & strength to accept who you are. when you've struggled with SELF acceptance for as long as most of us in the world have, it hurts a little to have to question that on a count of someone else...

now I havent been 100% sure of myself all the time, but the one fact I can never place doubt on, is that I cant think of anything else that overrides the fact that I'm comfortable as fuck with who I am....no matter who it doesn't satisfy or please,
& even if no one else EVER finds comfort in that...
I always will.

That Girl.

I wish I was that girl
who has everything
...or at least feel like it.
for a moments time,
I want to be that girl
that never has to cry
the one who's never been told a lie.
that girl
holding on
so bold & so strong
I wish, that just for a lifetime,
she & I could switch
& I promise THIS girl, I will not miss.
rid me of her!
because that girl, with all of her perfect flaws..
the one everyone wants to see
this girl that I so desperately need to be
that girl
she's nobody...
nobody but me.
<3

Human

I am human, like all the rest of you.
I cry when I hurt; sensitive to pain.
unaccustomed to the sunshine, when all I know is rain.
but I maintain
my sanity, I've sustained.
I can complain...
but I am only human.
I get lonely & sometimes its hard to smile
a child that yearns for a mothers love
I need
I want.
I do
I don't.
Sometimes I just want to be left
I want! I am human..
I am not perfect
I cry human tears, yet I feel so strange
something out of this world
like a silly little girl...doing all she can
but sometimes she forgets
...that she's only human.

Ashamed.

feels like falling on your face
in a crowded, but strange place
& then falling down again.
no family. no friends.
not even an old companion just to help.
embarassed by my self
knees soaked with blood
head down
while tears fall fiercely to the ground
making absolutely no sound
no screams. no weep
only the whisper of a soul slithering outside of me
screaming to me for protection
scolding me for the neglect when ive already warned me
not to avoid myself
& now i need help
in saving me from myself

Battlefield

gave everything until I had nothing left.
not a piece
not even a crumb left
for myself…
I felt death creep up inside of me
removing the only solace left in my heart
Invading my comfort zone; tearing it apart
This path is dark
Darker than the things I’ve done to find comfort from that pain
A vicious cycle
Impossible to explain
All parts in vain
Unnecessary strain on the very thing that pumps blood into my veins
How could I do this to me?
Self-inflicted torture
Searching for an answer for us
alone
Marched right onto the battlefield with no protection
Unarmed; ill prepared for this fight
So many wrong turns
I just want to make this right

3/4/11

here forever, but really, don’t need to be together. Whatever. It is by far,the most clever thing I’ve conjured up in my mind, plenty of times. A beautiful lie. Standing directly in the line of an enormous fire. Had it all and nothing. but my good faith & trusting. If conversed agreements and essential statements are a must, then how could ‘I love you’ transition into lust. Could this be us? So rushed. Yet untouched. Negligent behavior pulls my strings. But I told my master, I can’t handle these things. These feelings. These dreams. I wake up screaming. & still he can’t hear me.

For Colored Girls

"I asked myself, how I could let that happen. I realized, I was missing something; something promised, something so important; a laying on of hands. Fingers, near my forehead; strong. cool. moving. Making me whole, since. Pure. All of god, coming into me, laying me open to myself. I was missing something. something promised. something free. laying on a hands. I know about laying on bodies. Laying out a man. & bringing him all of my fleshy self & some of my pleasure being taken; full, eager, wet like I get sometimes….I was missing something. Laying on of hands. Not my mama, holding me tight, saying I’m always gon be her girl. Not a laying on a bosom in wound, the laying on of HANDS. The holiness of myself, released…
I sat up one night, walking my apartment floors, screaming. Crying. The ghost of another woman, who was missing what I was missing. I wanted to jump out of my bones, be done with myself. Leave me alone, go on in the wind. It was too much. I fell into a numbness, to the only tree I could see. Picked me up into her branches. held me in the breeze. made me dawn dew. That chill. Daybreak. The sun wrapped me up, swinging rose light everywhere. & the sky laid over me. Like a million men. I was cold; I was burning up. A child innocently…With my tears, I found god in myself. & I loved her FIERCELY!"

My love is too poetic, to have thrown back on my face.

ALIVE.

Everyone around me seems so alive. While I am suffocating; I cannot breathe. I do not believe that nobody hears my cries. “I exist, I too am alive!” with a strong desire to BELIEVE in destiny, forgive those who have left me, embrace thy serenity. For what I cannot change here is not to blame. I am guilty of the most heinous crime that only I could conjure up inside my mind. Walking through the dark; blind. Repeating to myself “everything will be fine”. Masking treacherous pains behind a plastic smile, no one else knows that to myself, I’m lying, crying. All at the same time dying. A slow death. Here, I am no longer alive.

Serenity .

God grant me the SERENITY
to accept the things I cannot change; the maturity not to place blame;
& the awesome strength to eliminate strain.
Empower me with the courage to change, the things within my grasp
& the wisdom & insight to recognize the difference.
Help me to understand my limits;
underline the specifics, in bold
instruct me to release this hold
the destructive grip I cannot manage
harbored here for too long at an ugly disadvantage
God grant me the ability to remain serene
Wash me up in your love until I am once again clean
Drown me in this sea of imperfections.
Lord please bless me with some direction
Bring me back down to earth
& help me to find comfort within my own reflection.

1.16.11

arrogant people will always be that. who they are. standing tall; flaws & all. in front of their own reflection, imitating perfection. clouding the vision of the hopeless soul who just wants to give in. never realizing how much more there is to life than just living. focused on winning. at any cost. no matter who's spot has to be dropped in order for them to make it out on top.
It's a cruel world boys & girls...forget that not.