12/23/10

eye to eye, staring into the face of the one you adore
the one who lifts your spirits, when demons are beating down your door
the one who completes you
until the end
your best friend
& now the end is at your door
staring you in the face through the eyes of the one you long for...
your worst enemy
speechless at the podium, as your audience awaits
anticipating the thoughts & feelings; you owe it to them
as they sit patiently
waiting
while every emotion is already written on the sleeve of a tear soaked t-shirt
blatantly
there's nothing left to say
everything that is, we made it that way
dreading the day that we'd reach the end
& although we promised we'd always be friends
I can't pretend
I can no longer fathom the energy
to fight for what's clearly out of our hands

Fire Bomb

I would cry, but my tear ducts have run desertly empty
My heart has never known a better pain
The effort
The strain
It exhausts me...sucking away the love & empathy lingering inside of me
Walking down a path marked for destruction, with gasoline
Beautiful flames surrounding me
Patiently waiting on my surrender to ignite
& as the heat rises, I can only wonder...
when this thing is ready to blow
& this beautiful fire finally takes flight
How many flames will it take
before all the pain finally burns away...

"I just want to set you on fire, so I won't have to burn alone...
then you... then you'll know where I'm coming from...Fire Bomb."

Can anybody hear me?

emotions working overtime. thoughts running crazy. it’s like my systems exhausted. my hearts feeling lazy. I am too tired to love. besides, what has love gotten me? choking before my thoughts can be spoken. sometimes I forget to breathe. so many words needed to be said. but I do not possess telepathic power. your thoughts cannot be read. so I continue sitting in silence. hour after hour. so many words that I need to say. I start to speak & then I think. what would change if you picked my brain? nothing. & to my list of needed to do things, what's added is reduction. an abnormal cycle; similar to destruction. I'm rushing. searching for a place to hide. where no one could witness the tears that I cried. & to myself I lied. said I would never do this again. but here I am, alone. in need of a friend. so who can I run to? when my options are at an end. I needed you to understand, just wanted you to see. but I'm speaking & no one's listening. can anybody hear me?

it's called Passion..

it’s not about the money
nor the recognition
its passion.
Satisfaction; fulfillment.
I just need a chance
To be heard
& further learned
Standing in front of a mirror
Whispering these words
“tell me a story”
Teach me a thing or two
Because nobody knows you
Like you know you
& I want the world to know
What lies beneath
But what’s inside my head
Cannot be read
Therefore, I write
Exploring my struggle
A continuous fight
With what I consider reality
But the resistance says it’s not real
My ideas are a fatality
Disastrous
Broken into pieces
A world of imagination
Only coming together on this paper
My own creation
So I’ll continue to ponder
No thoughts wasted
This is my passion
My only destination.

Untitled 8/22/10

In this world
We’d tell the people we love
Everything there is to know
Even the things that curse us
& in that same bizarre world
The ones we love
Would use those same things
With the intent to hurt us
I’ve given my trust to the predators
Who prey upon my insecurities
Waiting for a moments time
To de-weaponize me
Slithering inside my mind
with a master plan
The hard part is getting there
But once they’re inside
Its almost impossible to differentiate
The victim & the villain.
By the minute becoming harder to separate
& then it breaks
Not something so tangible, like your heart
But your sanity
Something you never protected from the start
& now you’ve become the villain
A monster.
Trying to find your way through & out the dark.

Acceptance.

The aspects of life we sacrifice
for even the smallest hint of happiness
Is sometimes unbelievable
& even more complex
when you’ve never tasted bliss
The thought is inconceivable .
The things we indulge in
for the slightest bit of satisfaction
Are irrational
But unfortunately as common as a natural reaction
The price we pay
for just a moments pleasure
a cost more expensive than the riches we kill
& sell our souls for; life’s treasure
The idea of contentment differs with one’s own perspective
Existing in a world that’s become purely reflective
Always looking back
Remembering every time your own satisfaction was neglected
Life wasn’t what you expected…
Living in the present day. Exhausted
One step from giving up
& everything coming your way
You accept it
But this is your own content
How could you regret it?

What do you mean?

I realize that when you’ve asked a person a question & their immediate response is “what do you mean”, 90% of the time, they already know what it is that you mean. It’s like some sort of placeholder or small time frame used to prepare an even more stupid & pointless response which usually begins with “well, I mean…” or “I’m saying…” When one is unfamiliar with the concept of honesty, they will do and/or say anything to stray away from it.
I digress..
As annoying as these responses are, they are frequently used in the most common of conversations & even disagreements…& I must admit, I myself have succumbed to the pressure of using “what do you mean”& each & EVERY time I’ve prepared my lips to speak such ignorance, it preceded a lie. This furthers my research on the meaningless phrase in such a way that helps me to understand exactly why people so frequently resort to it. When said to me, I’m aware that it only paves the way for more untruths & immediately my willingness to give the person the slightest chance at honesty goes out the window.
So in conclusion, I’ve prepared a hypothetical situation… the next time someone blatantly lies to me & asks "do you believe me?" without processing the nature of the question or even giving it the slightest amount of thought, my immediate response will be: “What ever do you mean?"
:)

Trust Me..

Trust is all in the mind.
& that first time it’s compromised you make a decision…one time.
It’s simple: to, or not to.
Nothing can make you believe in a person that is just not trustworthy.
But you do, subconsciously.
& when you find yourself placing your trust in someone who can’t be trusted, you lose all rights to complain about why you can’t trust them..
So what if you don’t trust it?
Then the logical part of you say’s: run. get away as fast as you can
But the irrational works like a magnetic force, pulling you closer to the unknown
Dragging you further from clarity
It’s insane.
You trust that if you put your trust in someone, they’ll somehow become trustworthy
But the only fool is you
& saying no one can be trusted is an understatement
Sometimes we can’t even trust ourselves to do the things we’re supposed to do
Instead we make decisions for YOU
Submitting to a world of lies & deceit, only to put the cycle on repeat
Trust is not given it is earned
& the concept of belief has yet to be learned
By me
& My only curse is that I can see right through you
The liars. The cheaters
They’re pretty much all the same
But I’ve finally realized to them, this is all a game
They’ve won before & would do the unthinkable to win again.
But this time is different, I refuse.
Game’s over…it's simple. you lose.

Diary of a Good Black Woman.

When you’re a good woman, there’s no purpose in running around saying that there are no good men. I’ve learned that if you at least have the potential to offer all the things you expect from a good man & actually realize it, you’ll find one. There is indeed an overpopulation of less than good quality men, but that’s exactly what makes the good guys so much more superior. I appreciate the fact that there is a small number of men who compliment all the qualities of an amazing woman. I respect the chase & quite frankly, I enjoy it….

If a perfect guy just appeared out of thin air, needless to say, I’d probably take him for granted. Most women aren’t fully aware of everything they NEED in their counterpart anyway, so to even make the shallow statement “there are no good men” is hypocrisy all in itself.
The average woman has to make sacrifices & accept certain things in life in order to be satisfied…& this is no exception.
We want to believe that we’ll fall in love with the first guy we ever liked or that our high school sweethearts will propose & confess his undying love, but the truth is, that’s just not the way things work. Those of us who do end up with our ‘first love’ are lucky & it is indeed a beautiful thing, but the real life cycle of unadulterated love takes time. It is a cycle that doesn’t happen overnight. We date, men court us & if we’re lucky we’re allowed the experience of a relationship to take with us on to the next stage…
But every relationship doesn’t lead to marriage or never ending happiness & for a good woman, this is just practice.
The concept is not complex; hard work pays off, & that is the only rule to this love game. Good people need no promotion, we’re made for each other & with time & a little patience we’ll find one another.

Signed,
A Good Woman.

In a perfect world.

In a perfect world
We could be together
& all of my flaws would cease to be remembered
The idea of you & I just seems so clever
& no one would object

In a perfect world
I’d be a perfect girl
I would want for nothing
Everyone at my beck & call
A Queen should live like royalty
& all those around would shower me with loyalty

In a perfect world
Men would be fathers to babies
& treat women like ladies
It would be all one love
No man ahead. No man above.

Because you see in my perfect world
I could make all the rules
Provide for our youth & build more schools
A modern day Superwoman I’d be
If this were a perfect world…

But most importantly in a perfect world
There’d be no war
& for every disease there’d be at least one cure
Even those who couldn’t afford it, would still be rewarded
No child left behind
but truly this time
our children would be safe
at anytime. Any place.

These are my dreams
Of a perfect existence
In my imagination; my own commitments
If hate didn’t exist & lies became true
If this were your perfect world
What would you do?

gray scale.

I hope you don’t mind, but I ask a lot of questions. Like who? What? Where? & what about the rest of them? You see I’m tryna do the right thing, you know stay in the correct direction. So pardon my attitude but you could just be a mere reflection.. of all the brothers in the past, strolling past with no direction.

Crawl.

In complete darkness..
I take a step forward
The initial step toward believing
Believing that my sanity hadn’t disappeared with my trust
& that faith is still alive & well inside my heart.
I stumble
& as I take a look around, everything seems clear to continue
So I take two steps
And as my foot touches the ground, I feel revived.
Each step releasing the grip held on by my pride
& then finally
I walk a straight line…
Hoping and praying that maybe this time, I’d get it right.
It’s like taking a shot in the dark
No light.
Wishing for a specific action
Only that’s not the way things happen
& that next step leaves me staggering
Crashing to the floor
Only I no longer feel the once throbbing pain…
I’m numb
& I realize it comes with the procedure.
So I smile
& even though
I know, it’ll be awhile
I remind myself: I’m still only a child
Reassuring myself that I will learn to walk again
& when I do, I’ll walk miles.

Safe Haven

I’m a woman of very few friends…well friends I can depend on anyway. So with that being said, this is a place I cherish solely because it allows me the freedom to let go. I can vent, scream & cry here whenever I see fit…& no one has to listen. This is my outlet, my shoulder to lean on, & my ear to listen. In so many words…this is for ME.

I sincerely appreciate the visitors, but try not to make this too much about the audience. This is my show. My home; my rules.

I digress..

This year has been pretty forgettable. Aside from the learning experiences that come with everyday life, there’s really nothing memorable I’d like to take with me. As of this moment in my life, I feel as if I’m at a standstill. School for one has put the ultimate hold on my plans, I feel like I’ve wasted so much time & my social life, pfft, what a drag. I’m sure happiness exists, but in what form? I have yet to experience complete & utter satisfaction. It always appears in non-consistent, miniscule spurts that do nothing but tease me & ultimately further frustrate me. Maybe I haven’t gotten to that point or stage in my life where I learn to accept & even appreciate what little gratification I receive or maybe I’ve foolishly been expecting to get back what I’ve given to so many undeserving of me. I don’t know, maybe that’s just not the way life works anymore. It would seem that the humane way to pursue this thing would be to ask for only the things that one can handle and also provide yourself if asked for in return, but should it really need to even be asked? Is it not that simple of a concept to understand?
Idk..but a wise woman once told me that in order to be at ease with yourself you must be in total comfort with yourself & yourself only.
I didn't fully understand at first but upon further explanation, she described to me a feeling that I’ve never felt before; a feeling of complete contentment, not necessarily with a specific situation, but just within herself. I envy that. She told me that even though things don’t always work out as expected, there’s a certain level of comfort that you have with your own life & nothing can take that away.
*sigh*
I need that.
So often I’m covering my eyes, peeking through my fingers, trying to hide my frustration, but I’m aware, everyone can see, but that doesn’t bother me. I’m human & we all feel pain. We all disappoint & we all hurt for whatever reason. I remember a time when I tried to mask my anger; my weaknesses, but the transparency, it overpowers me. I grew into a person who’s not afraid to hurt, someone conscious of the fact that there’s so much more to learn.

But that woman living in total comfort, at ease, I will become her. I promise. I think I’m pretty close, but no cigar. There are still things that I allow under my skin. Things & people I give the power to affect me, but soon…I’ll be there. Mark my words…

Beautiful Nightmare

It's like a dream. You meet someone & something inside you says: I have to have them... You connect immediately & it's like nothing else in the world matters. Everything you learn makes them so much more interesting & unique than the last. Spending every moment together, forgetting all about the past. Enjoying each other’s company; it’s perfect.
But suddenly things change..
Comfort has reached its peak & things just aren’t the same. The lines of communication have become so distant, they’re almost non-existent. The conversation has died.
Frustration.
Deceit.
Lies.
The first sign of trouble makes you reconsider & question all the feelings you had. You begin to wonder if all the things that once gave you butterflies & made you smile were even authentic.
& just when you thought things would be different, you begin the phase of reflection. So many similarities yet everything’s so different. Never knowing the right move to make, you find yourself back in a familiar place & all you know is the same method of madness used in the past.
Distance.
The silence becomes so unbearable that you scream, yell & curse hoping to be heard & still no progress. The fuel from your words ignites the fire between you, only it’s not one of passion but an angry flame that burns each time you mention their name. Faith in something even remotely real extinguishes the desire for revenge only to be disappointed by the reality of it all…
It was all just a dream.
A reoccurring nightmare & you still haven’t woken up..
Open your eyes.

I know why the caged bird sings...

let us laugh instead of crying.
praying for a day that I can just live
as if tomorrow I were dying.
dreams of enjoying life & love
but instead this caged bird can only sing..
with a voice as beautiful as a free white dove.
imprisoned & unheard; I'm cursed
with only the ability to deliver a word
as it falls upon deaf ears...
but still, the sound of my voice will continue to ring
& the taste of my tears...
they remind me of a song that I once used to sing
& the comforting bliss that it always used to bring.

Living for this one simple thing
This...
this is why the caged bird sings.

Bliss.

& I’m right back where I began; confused and unaccompanied. It’s as if this feeling is haunting me. In search of an escape I attempt to find sleep, but I can feel it in my dreams. Distress so powerful I can’t move my mouth to even speak..so I remain silent. Harboring these evil thoughts, imprisoning my tears. Afraid that if I weaken, I’ll be forced to face my deepest fears. I’m scared. Scared to move in fear of falling further down into a hole I created all on my own. Digging deeper with each and every attempt to free these thoughts. I stumble over my own emotions. Right doesn’t exist within the 2-dimensional walls of my heart. Unable to open, I remain shut. So tight that I scream out, for no one in particular. Laying in my bedroom naked of any light. Listening to the sweet sound of the rain. Alone with my reality & the comfort of this pain.

Chemical Imbalance.

"a wise man said "don't argue with fools, because from a distance you can't tell whose who..."

Its been awhile now. & the conversations still the same. I feel like a child right now. frustrated because this could be real simple, yet we're still on the same page. Been sitting in this same spot for a minute now. & we still won't progress. why? because your story; what you say, it lacks finess. it lacks sincerity. it lacks meaning. but most importantly, it lacks what I know is the real you. We're at a standstill because I still don't feel you. I can't know you. the only thing I understand is that you don't fully understand the meaning. what it means to do what you express verbally. sometimes words just aren't enough. do we really need to discuss trust and why it lacks between us? communication is a must. speak to me with your heart. better yet whisper to me your secrets using only your soul. & I'll respond with my mind. Falling in love with your smile. but it speaks for a lie.

I digress.
Our chemistry's imbalanced.
simply because what we preach, we don't practice.
only a foolish man could be faced with something so precious & still not have the wisdom to actually respect it. I can't stress it... I guess everyone learns at their own pace. but I can only hope that when you figure it out, it won't be too late. I already know what I have, & I'm not really tryna lose it. but I can't move at your pace, its confusing. I'm moving, I'm crusing. If you get left behind, I sure hope you know what you're doing.

"I'm loving & I'm living, but I'm living to love." <3

incarcerated.

They just don't understand. or maybe they can't reach me. So I put down my pen & I asked them to teach me. bound up; restricted. unaware of my crime, but I'm already convicted. locking me away in this prison of ignorance. everyone around me knows something different. today was a new day. supposed to be better than yesterday. but as it turns out, we ended up feeling the same way. tried to show you & in return what do I get? treated like I'm beneath you. why? because I learned something useful? what they don't understand, makes me feel incomplete. like its my duty to teach. what they don't know, imprisons us all. when one person trips, we all take the fall. So let us understand, teach us all what you know. when this light turns green, we'll all be ready to go.



"Intelligence is the torch of wisdom"

Fear.

"I am scared.."

you told me not to be afraid.
said that I should trust you
& I could feel safe with you
so I confided in you; let down my guard
welcomed you into that place
inside of my heart... that had been vacant for so long
& it felt so good..
almost too good.
something had to be wrong...
& I knew it
at that moment, nothing felt right
I'd already made the same mistake twice
unbelieving of myself & what was inside
instead I believed in you
told myself that everything you said had to be true
how could it not be?
this was you
but deep down inside, I knew.
something this good, it couldn't be true
my soul, it wants to cry & mourn for my security
but instead I'm letting go
practicing believing in me
the decisions I make may not always seem right
but I've got to stop fearing & put an end to this fight
this fight between myself & I.
tonight I'm giving it all up
now that I've exhaled & cried
I'm waving my white flag & I'm leaving you & these words behind..
all that I can say is... "I tried.."

Untitled.

There is sadness in my eyes, but no tears.
There's pain in my heart, still there is nothing that I fear.
There's hapiness in my mind, though I find it hard to smile.
So much love in my soul; enough passion to stretch miles.
I can write until my fingers bleed & still have words left to share.
You could throw me down in this very dirt where I stand & still, for you, I'll care.
I can cry my eyes shut & still have tears to spare.
Because no matter how polluted, I still breathe your air.
The most intelligent of us will still follow our hearts before our minds.
So I wonder is it unhealthy to cry, because I want to all the time?
Not because I've been hurt, but because I somehow lost what I'm sure was mine.
My sanity.
Faith in anything good.
Trust.
Unbelieving in myself when security was a must.
How can the silence between us be so loud?
confused to see a fool strutting the pavement so proud.
When did wrong become right?
darkness become light?
been a pawn for to long, ready to give up this fight.
playing strong for so long
ready to break down & cry
not looking at you
but lifting my head to the sky
you see this act is not weakness
but every fighter meets his match
so you can call this one a loss for me
but know one thing, I'm coming back.

Loyalty

"Death before Dishonor..."

As I'm walking down memory lane, I find myself on this familiar road again. I'm searching for someone to talk to, I'm searching for a friend. Reaching for something that doesn't exist...

Whatever happened to the times when people genuinely cared about their friends & family? Granted everybody makes mistakes, but when you hurt someone you love or care for & you see that its hurting them yet you still continue to do it..I can't help but wonder: who can you trust?

Between underlying motives & personal advancement, I don't know which one is more common. People care more about pleasing themselves and making sure they stay in the spotlight than anything else. What has life taught us? that if we consistently do for ourselves, we will prosper? or that if we just pretend to not notice other peoples feelings, they don't exist?

I have had people close to me hurt me more than anybody in the world & I'm not referring to guys who've cheated or anything simple like that. I'm talking blood relatives, Sorors, best friends, people who supposedly share an unbreakable bond with me. At first I'm wondering: How could this be possible? But after enough times, I'm hip. I understand now, some people just have loyalty to no one.

Marc Papers - Rippin' The Pro-Tools

http://tinyurl.com/y2eedle

This little light of mine.

Standing alone outside
in the dead of the night,
I look up at the sky
& my attention catches a light.
a sight so nice
not as bright as all the others,
but glowing more beautiful
with hundreds of invigorating colors.
The sparkle of the light matched
the twinkle in my eye,
so I continued to just stare
becoming one with the sky.
I felt something so strong
Sort of like a common bond
& in the blink of an eye
It disappeared…
just like that my light was gone.
I wanted to scream “why?!”
Even wanted to cry,
but instead I just waited
Still looking up at the sky.
Then suddenly my light appeared
as I wiped away my tears,
& as quickly as it came
it left again with all my fears.
I learned to accept sudden leave of absence
me & my light, we mastered
this game of cat & mouse
because in life this is what happens.
My vision was blurred
But I no longer lose my sight
I can see clearly, this lesson
taught to me by my light.
Never be afraid
Although my light went & it came
This is just one light
& every light is not the same.

I write...

I write with the intentions of freeing my soul. for that little girl who never said a word. I write so that her story will never go untold. laying in the cold. alone in the dark. I speak the words from inside of my heart. when my pen touches this paper. these words come to life. the story's confusing. but each & everyday, I write...I write. until everything is clear.
& it hurts. but still I never shed a tear. I write so that my tears wont have to fall. giving my all. because when i write, I'm telling it all. each & every night I didn't recieve a call. anticipating...patiently waiting...while I write.

Dear Dad.

I needed you
to tell me I was beautiful
I needed you
simply to do
whatever it is that fathers do
I wanted to be perfect for you...
I'm your daughter,
why wouldn't I need you
Couldn't imagine you'd have these flaws
never coming when I called
Now something's missing
every relationship eventually becomes distant
Its difficult to hold on
Letting go is so simplistic
Being Daddy's little girl; I missed it
I just don't get it
you're only job in my life
& you quit it
but don't worry
I still did it
Jury's made its ruling
You've been acquitted
you're off the hook dad
you did it...

FREEDOM.

Televisions on but i can't process the images on the screen. I'm sitting here feeling a feeling like I'm never heard nor seen. I just want to feel love, I was born to love. But I'm just a person, a girl, a woman in vain. I'm hurting over & over again. help me understand. I look in the mirror at an unfamiliar face. feels like someone came in & took my place. Who is this? maybe you can help me, help me to understand. but you're just a person, a boy..almost a man. staring out my window listening for the wind. dreaming of some days when there's nothing left to do but win. but I love you. & that feels like a sin. Why do I love you. why do I want you. who are you? my vision is blurred. these tears make it hard for me to see. you're similar to these demons. keeping me awake at night. you're no good for me. still I see no one else in sight. my worst enemy is my best friend. I did this to myself not once, but twice & now I'm doing it again. I truly love the rain. but why must it come with so much pain. I'm calling out for you. but instead you're calling for them. plain as day. written in ink. posted on a billboard. our hearts will never be in sync. never beating on one accord. still I pull & hold on. but this heart of mine's not so strong. I just want to be loved. I am NOT a woman scorned. I want to be loved. appreciated. as i appreciate this feeling. I'm unsure of the right time to give up. but something here, its got me stuck. my heart is on the floor. there's nothing left. I gave it all to you. even my last breath. I simply beg of you. for nothing but freedom. i don't know who you are. but you are hurting me. you said you never would. I thought you were the one. what have you done?

Seventy Seven Strangers.

I thought this post was beyond awesome, so I figured I'd share....
It's called "Love, love & more of it..."
http://seventysevenstrangers.com/2010/03/25/love-love-and-more-of-it/

This was taken from a blog written by some very talented guys by the name of "Seventy Seven Strangers"
...This particular post was written by Pete.
I encourage you to check out the rest of their blog, I guarantee you won't regret it =)
http://seventysevenstrangers.com/

Men.

When I was young, I used to
Watch behind the curtains
As men walked up and down the street. Wino men, old men.
Young men sharp as mustard.
See them. Men are always
Going somewhere.
They knew I was there. Fifteen
Years old and starving for them.
Under my window, they would pauses,
Their shoulders high like the
Breasts of a young girl,
Jacket tails slapping over
Those behinds,
Men.

One day they hold you in the
Palms of their hands, gentle, as if you
Were the last raw egg in the world. Then
They tighten up. Just a little. The
First squeeze is nice. A quick hug.
Soft into your defenselessness. A little
More. The hurt begins. Wrench out a
Smile that slides around the fear. When the
Air disappears,
Your mind pops, exploding fiercely, briefly,
Like the head of a kitchen match. Shattered.
It is your juice
That runs down their legs. Staining their shoes.
When the earth rights itself again,
And taste tries to return to the tongue,
Your body has slammed shut. Forever.
No keys exist.

Then the window draws full upon
Your mind. There, just beyond
The sway of curtains, men walk.
Knowing something.
Going someplace.
But this time, I will simply
Stand and watch.

Maybe...
(Written by Maya Angelou)

"I want the title..."

So I've recently learned that this whole relationship issue is a pretty hot topic. From my understanding, there is a certain amount of "time" that must past before one is able to fully commit, title & all. So of course my wandering mind led me to ask this question: How long should 2 people wait before giving it the title?

I found that men were more hesitant when posed with this question. When asked why, of course I was bombarded with b.s. answers like: "I have to make sure my mother approves" or even worse "I just want to make sure she isn't hiding anything". Bullshit. It doesn't take years or even months to figure out if someone has secrets. But what was even more interesting than the male response, was of course that from my fellow ladies. Suprisingly, most females seemed to be on the fence about the issue. Honestly I thought women would be more willing to rush into a relationship, but on the contrary when asked, ladies were more content with casual dating without any titles. More women today are satisfied with just being friends. Now don't get me wrong, that long term goal of one day meeting Mr. Right still exists, but we are now more comfortable with having options. It was almost strange to me because we're so used to women being portrayed as somewhat needy & always willing to submit quite easily...oh my have the tables turned. Very few women are looking for serious relationships these days, I wonder why... 0_o
I digress.
Most people would agree that a certain amount of time should pass before you make things what we like to call official, but what exactly is that amount? Some say 3 months, others say 3 years, but seriously, how can we put a definite period of time or a solid amount on getting to know someone? With that being said, there is no alotted time that 2 people should take to get to know one another. Every relationship/situation is different. Some people feel as though they've known enough about a person after a week or 1 month & others may never feel like they know a person at all. I guess it all depends on the people. I think its pretty silly for people to put an actual time stamp on a situation or "series of circumstances" before they can commit, BUT in the same breath, I do believe that a relationship title gives some form of security for those less secure than others...but that's another issue for another day.

Not only was it interesting to hear everyone else's responses & opinions, but this also allowed me to assess my own thoughts on the subject. Honestly I've never given it too much thought until now.

Master.

Lines of communication; disastrous
caused by 1 or 2 simplistic actions
but every action promotes a reaction
times moving slow like molasses
now all we keep asking is what happened
"what happened?"
oh you ain't know? shorty's an actress
she'll do whatever to make it happen
& now I'm sitting here laughing
on to the next one, macking
this is my ship & I am the captain
I'm calling plays. I decide what happens.

Us.

I never imagined the day I'd be without you
Longing for the days when it was just us
No heartache
No pressure
No rush
Time was ours
Our love had so much power
Spending all of our time
Seconds. Minutes.
Down to the hour
What it was, was real
I could always touch my heart and feel what I felt for you
My love was never untrue
Anything I wanted, you would do
Forget hanging with my crew
All I wanted was you
Us.
But its gone
Now everythings a fuss
No more trust
That beautiful thing that we once had
That bond between us
Broken
So many words unspoken
Tears ppouring down my face & I'm choking
Trying to find the right words to say
To get things back that way
& I pray
But there's no right path
No blueprint to show us today
what happens tomorrow
So for now I'll just borrow
or maybe steal from the memories
of how we used to feel
Because there's nothing or no one
that can tell me that us wasn't real

Before & After

Before I couldn't even listen to a love song
every song felt so long
reminscing on a love gone wrong
the sight of it was beautiful
a feeling I was proud to ever know
an emotion so tender like the first break of snow
on a winter day
Before..
I was scared to ever feel that way
moment after moment
never going away
something emebedded in my heart
from the start-to finish
when feelings diminished
even after love
my heart was still in it
Before & after love...
my heart was in training from the beginning.

Fright Train

Scared to see the light
I'm all the way on board
strapped in tight
awake again on an all night fright
heart racing against death
I'm afraid for my life
bow my head & hope for a savior
but there are rules in this game
& there's only one player
Having the option to quit
with no second chances
no restart
no re-do
no manual enhancements
the only chance I have at advancing
is to simply endure
no advice has been given
no antidote
no cure
so I close my eyes & cry out for help
I'm lost in this world
still killing myself
for this thing called life...
I'm awake again on an all night fright..

Flawful

Flawless.
How can such a word exist in the presence of me
a body of faults
A story lies behind each & every blemish & bruise
marks of beauty I call them
my brown skin stretches as far as these curves will allow
The feeling of my own touch makes my body shiver
Flaws covered in imperfections can be found within every dip, every bend
A priceless work of art; full of flaws
The emodiment of beauty sits on top of a frame
that surrounds a silhouette of pain
Outlined with strength
Unbreakable
yet still so Flawful

...

Beauty.

Her heart.

"I never had that kinda love that was forever..."

She thinks of a time where she once felt the inevitable rollercoaster of emotions caused by a love gone wrong...
she grabs her chest as the memory of an indescribable pain shoots through Her heart..
in the end, she no longer hurts, cries or moans...but simply wonders..why?

for weeks, she'd crawl
from the point of blaming herself until the idea of walking becomes familar
standing up tall, she begins to think on her feet...
showing signs of progress, she walks slowly until she is again able to feel...
this feeling that she is somewhat afraid of..
digging deep down inside from a place that is hollow
she finds this passion that can never be removed
she was born to love.
& she has the hunger to run...but still, she walks
slowly..
taking baby steps back into this world which is driven by hatred and envy
she is hesitant
& as she stares at her own reflection in the mirror, reluctantly..
she feels love..
somewhere deep down inside..
Her heart....

moments of friendship...

in the world of a young woman, everything is a crisis. From boys to clothes to whatever else is important at the moment, everything is red alert...
I could chose from hundreds of contacts in my phone to call when something bad has happened..
and they will all listen because who doesn't love drama?
But in my time of need, when all I need is a FRIEND...no one can listen...and those who do, only listen to tell...
It's almost heartbreaking how superficial friendly relationships have become. We call each other sisters and friends but we don't really know what it means to just be a friend...
someone we can not only share the bad news with but also great things...
I yearn to call a girlfriend up and tell her how happy my man has made me or that I got some extra money this pay period...but behind the smiles, lies animonsity, hatred and pure envy. for whatever reason, we can never just be happy for one another and let our accomplishments encourage each other. no we must wonder why we didn't recieve the blessings of our fellow 'friends'
*sigh*
If nothing else...my heart yearns for genuine friendship.

"Friendship is Essential to the Soul"

Existentialist..

"The refusal to belong to any school of thought, the repudiation of the adequacy of any body of beliefs whatsoever; & especially of systems, & a marked dissatisfaction with traditional philosophy as superficial, academic & remote from life...- that is the heart of Existentialism."

- W. Kaufmann

Individuality.

The moment I feel something, amything, I wonder..
Has anyone else ever felt this way?
Is anyone else feeling this exact same feeling at this very same moment?
millions of pointless thoughts running through my mind all at once which ultimately lead back to the very same conclusion: I am the only person with the ability to feel MY feelings.
Sure, we all endure similar experiences, some even identical to others, but who really feels what I feel?
No one...
as I digress... I wonder how can anyone else understand what it is that I feel if they've never felt it? There's always someone to say "I know exactly how you feel" but do they really?
I conclude not.
it is often difficult for me to decipher some of my own thoughts and emotions..they bounce around endlessly..it's like I always feel something.
How does one prevent their own self from feeling?
It is impossible...
There are those who find the idea of 'feeling' somewhat foreign and then there's people like me, who constantly feel and wonder..why?
There is always that question that asks why do I feel this way?
and then I realize; it is the answer that sets me apart from anyone else who feels.
although I do not yet know the answer to this inevitable question, my destiny in life is to find it.
My feelings, my thoughts, my emotions and all stemming from them have so elegantly formed my individuality.